I always swore

Sometimes
You need to learn to accept people you normally wouldn't

Sometimes
You need to reach out to those that have hurt you in the past

Sometimes
You need to love others, even though they are flawed

Sometimes
All anyone needs is a smile

Sometimes
Laughter is the best medicine of all

Sometimes
A kiss makes everything better

Sometimes
You just need someone who understands you and is there to listen.

Sometimes
You just need your friends

Sometimes
You just need your parents

Sometimes
You want to fade away into nothing

Avenged Sevenfold

Boys and Girls,

All I can say is that it was the best show/night of my life.
It was just amazing.
Burn Halo, Shadows Fall, and Sevenfold.

Spectacular!

They're making a new album
...that means they're coming back soon.

Lets repeat the evening?

I just wanted my snowman...

Feels like I'm on the outside looking in.
A third wheel.
Candidate to the opposition - your honor I object.

Shaking hands anticipate the next move.
How do you feel?

Just about to break; falling over the edge.

A fine line between love and hate.
Burn the pages, turn your head.

Find your place amongst the ruins.

You took me into your hands.

Cradle my soul; humor me with 'what ifs...'

Always lose in the end - what happened to fair play?

Rip my hair from the scalp.
Lips sewn tightly shut.
I'm fine, fine, fine, fine.

Cry behind closed doors
Hide yourself in front of others.

Don't judge me
Always competing with the invincible.
Can't win, can't win, can't win.

Be a martyr; give up the only thing you want.

Whatever makes you happy.
She'll give her one true desire...
Collapse upon what's been created.

The deed to my soul...
Love of mine
I'll never let you die
Clasping hands...
You were never mine
Given up...
Time is on your side
I'd still follow you
Perfectly content in shadows...
Incomplete calling
You and I...
Photocopy hearts
This is as quiet as I can say...
Inside, Outside, and again
Hod me in your memory
...please don't let this end.

Circle it!

Sunday
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
Saturday

Sunday
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
Saturday


SUNDAY
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY
FRIDAY
SATURDAY

It's usually the same bullshit every week;
just gets a little more tolerable.

Hidden Messages; Secret Words; Musical Melody

Eternity
Simplicity
Spoken
Enlightenment
Narcotic
Together
Isolation
Apart
Life.



"I'll try; try not to lose you."
-A7X



Freedom
Eternal
Emergency
Liable
Initiative
Numb
Ghastly
Superior.




"You do your best to show me love - but you don't know what love is."
-Paramore




Diagnosed
Irreplaceable
Mortal
Innocence
Nourish
Intimate
Secluded
Hope
Intangible
Naked
Go.





"Emotion, Feeling, Can't stop spinning, Just keep breathing; say you need me."
-Automatic Loveletter

White as Snow

Weddings are pretty standard in a discussion.

Females dream of their special day since they saw that white dress in the window.

Males are a little apprehensive; but deep down they want to settle down with someone too.

My love life is a roller coaster; never ending.

I'm finding that, I sacrifice myself for others, but I'm rarely rewarded.

The boy I like, never seems to like me back - sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get to try on that gown.

Since I was a little girl I've been imagining my wedding. A perfect day in either late April or early May. My husband will love me just as much as I love him; I'll finally be able to say 'I do.' I'd finally find true happiness and glee.

Is it too hard to ask for one day of fairy tale romance?
One day where people take notice of me, and the person I choose to spend my life with?
Is it wrong to want the attention and praise you never really received as a child?

I want to hear women saying;
'She's so beautiful!'
I want to hear the men's congratulations;
'They're perfect for each other!'

I tend to fall for the boys that never want to settle down.

The boys who don't think marriage is even an option.

And now I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever be fortunate enough to hear the chorus of 'Chapel of Love'

My final thougts.

What exactly, is happening?
Clearly I've been infatuated with my 'fairy tale' life for far too long.

I'm starting to think their was a meeting of some sort - and I just wasn't given an invitation.

I wonder if my presence is requested.
I wonder if I'm missed.

What did I do? - I can only assume.
I tried to organize, I tried to plan.

But how does one miss a sign planted directly in front of them.
By doing exactly what their supposed to be doing - living.

I promised myself this was the end.
"Are you finished with me?"
"Yes."

I told myself, this was the last time.
The.Last.Time.

Oblivious you, sensitive me.
You never noticed, you never cared.
I did everything in my power to care for you.

"You know, I liked you for the longest time. But I finally realized you'd never like me back. I don't want to wait my entire life for someone who can't...-"

They say 'love' is a big word - that the majority of people don't understand what it means.

But I do - I felt it.

Seven years.
For seven years I did everything I could possibly do.
I gave my heart to you, I was yours.
Anything you wanted, anything you needed.
I tried to provide, I would have provided.
You never sought me out
I just wanted you to be safe, I put your happiness above all else.
You were always number one on my priority list...

I've been through it.

Seen all aspects.

Given myself - mind, body and spirit
Devoted myself to one person - to one cause.

Quite frankly, you were the air that filled my lungs.

I know that you could never - though I wish you would have tried.
"-...love me back."

And this is my way of clearing my conscious.

This is my way, of coping.

In with the new, out with the old.

This is my last piece to be written about you.
I'm done, finished.

You'll realize one day - "she's famous; he wants to die"

"You know, there are a lot of things I want from you....and it sounds like there are a lot of things you want from me. Trouble is, you can't have me."

My Personal Moon Sign

Your Moon is in Virgo

You are very sensitive, cautious, and shy about showing others your feelings. Though you may love and care for someone a great deal, you rarely express those feelings openly and freely. Very often your love for someone will be expressed by trying to help them, doing something tangible to benefit them, or serving them in some way.

It is also difficult for you to receive warmth, affection, or appreciation, for you often feel that you don't really deserve it or that "they don't really mean it". You can therefore seem rather cool and aloof, much more so than you feel.

A deeply ingrained critical attitude often makes you difficult to live with. You need to learn to be gentler and less of a perfectionist with others and with yourself.

Astrology, usually happens to be hauntingly accurate for myself.

In the jungle, the mighty jungle.

I enjoy watching girls when they become catty.
The whole 'back off he's my territory' is quite exhilarating.
With males it's the thrill of the chase - women just enjoy gauging each others eyes out. (Thus guaranteeing the loser never look at the others property again.)
Isn't that just phenomenal?
They say men get protective - and to a certain degree they do - but women are the ones that do all defending.

Oh how I enjoy the pettiness.
I enjoy the plots they create to steal boyfriends.
I love watching them break hearts.

But most of all, I love the sound they make when another (lesser, preferable weaker) female breaks their neck.

You need him?

My inspiration is gone
Flown through the window
The books I've read
Never match the answers I seek.

Imagine me here
Sitting, Waiting.

Time is said to heal all wounds
...but it scars still haunt us.
Your smile still remains
My sanity disintegrates

I wish to construct walls
Create a maze in which I'll be forever lost.
I promised you eternity
You never acknowledged the deal.

My heart was sent to drown in a river
Grasping, Reaching to be salvaged.

We constantly chase the clocks
Only to be cheated by life.

What more is there to say
All love stores end in tragedy.
A broken heart.
A swalloed promise;
An apology placed upon dying lips.

~

"And the boy cried, cried, cried, for the girl in his arms, as she spoke of a love that died, died, died."

Him, Her, and She.

Oh does she ever love him.
Love, Love, Love, Love.

Why don't you paint it on the wall?
Wear your heart on your sleeve, scream it to the heavens.

Oh does he see her.
Stare, Stare, Stare, Stare.

Why?
It's simple; She's a star.

Oh does she drive her to the point of insanity.
Drink, Drink, Drink, Drink.

She can't take it anymore,
It'll set her world on fire.

Oh does he notice her.
Talk, Talk, Talk, Talk.

She's in his head.
His perfect disaster.

She's jealous of her for having him.
He knows them both.

She questions her position with him because of her.

He's put himself into a situation.
Deadly, Deadly, Deadly, Deadly

Who will he choose?

You hear the song, you sing along, But you'll never tell.

I feel slightly disoriented, I'm not sure where I am.
I fell asleep and awoke in a dream world.
The sky was purple, and the grass was blue, and I knew I didn't want to come back.

I didn't want to return to the world of starring out a window.
I didn't want to come back the place I had left.

I don't want to be hollow anymore.

So let me stare out the glass, and let me count the people that pass who don't realize whats happening.

Your Comments, My Thougts.

I'm finished dedicating all my time to you.

I'm done thinking I'm not enough for you.
I'm through planning all of our get together's.

I've realized I'm pretty good looking - I don't need to feel ugly anymore.
I've come to the conclusion that I wasted my life on you.

Truth be told, I loved you
Truth be told, I'm dying

Take back all your memories.
Take back all your lies.

I hope when you walk my way, your stomach twists.
I pray that you feel the way I did.

When you see my face, I hope it gives you hell.

I fucking love this man.

December 17th will be a fantastic day.

What better way to end the year then with a concert of one of your favourite bands.

Oh, and it helps when you have someone who works at the venue!

Sunshine and Lolipops!

Today I greeted the world with a smile etched upon my face.

I lived today, really I did. I was good as much as I was bad. I was caring, and I was selfish. I was able to do what I wanted-I was shinned with radiance.

My mother and I spent the whole day together. That really meant a lot to me. Last Sunday an unsettling incident occurred, and this turned out to be one of the perfect ways to fix it. Work, arguments, and inaccurately throughout actions leave us hollow. We need to be able to breathe again - we need to remember how to live.

Let the sunshine illuminate your face.

Spend quality time with your loved ones.

Look for an excuse to talk to people that make you happy.

Laugh, it keeps you sane!

I've made immense with myself.

Today, I embraced the world. I cherished my faults, and I praised my talents.

I leave you with a very inspirational piece of advice given to me by an older brother of sorts;

'Live in the moment. Don't think about the past -it's behind you. Whats done is done. Don't worry about the future, it's too far ahead to plan. Think about where you are right now, and who your with. Be happy with that. If you keep trying to guess what'll happen in ten years you'll drive yourself insane, and never appreciate the wonderful things around you.'

The best of luck to all of you.

All my love.

Hello, Bonjour, Hola, Ciao!

Let me welcome you to my life.

A forty-five minute drive to work, and I spent thirty minutes of it counting the lines on the road.

I plead guilty to insanity.

Will you hold my hand when I go? [She doesn't mean to be cryptic]

Death is a horrible thing to deal with for anyone - regardless of age, cause, or relationship. It hurts everyone. The domino effect. It just causes excessive pain and loneliness. Ironically, I don't fear my own death. Not that I'm looking forward to it, I've just learned how to stand my ground and face it.

I don't fear the coming of my own demise, but if someone I held close to my heart passed away, my world would be broken. Shattered in two.

Sometimes, I'll think about loosing someone important to me, in order to get myself ready. Just in case the time does come when I need to 'let go.' Ninety percent of the times I end up in tears, and that task is not easily accomplished.

Think of how my world would turn upside down, and inside out if I heard someone close to me almost died. Think of how my life would quickly spiral downward if I were to realize not one, but two of my loved ones could (in theory) die. Now think how I would react if both deaths were both caused by the same poison.

Can't hear my heart stop, can't count the lack of breaths.

I am a strong person.

I do not fear the cold hands of death.

I do not lean on other people for support.

I stand upon my own ground.

I am a fragile being.

I am a person who fears loss and loneliness.

I crumble when my loved ones leave.
I fall to my knee's and weep.

I am an intelligent human.

I follow through with my plans.

I generate hope and prosperity for others.

I'll learn to stand again...-

-...but not by myself.

Behind closed doors

Have you ever been scared of changing yourself?

Scared people wouldn't like you anymore if you did?

Feeling hopeless?

Anticipating negative reactions?

Sometimes, when I put my guard down, those fears take over.

The Shape of Your Cloud

Has anyone else taken a ride upon the well know 'emotional roller coaster'? I'm sure everyone has been on it at least once - most people usually decide to take a spin once a week. I guess I got on board yesterday. Describing my life as "an accident waiting to happen." Quoting the works of Mitch Albon, and promising myself I wouldn't become the ghost, at least, not intentionally. I believe its called 'having a bad day' but I question those ethics. I mean, you could be having a fantastic day, and one little tidbit of information can send your mood spiralling downward. Then of course you start thinking of scenario's that will most likely never happen, but if they do, you're prepared. You'll know what to do because you've already planned what route of action you're going to take. Now here's where my life becomes complicated. I have a day which breaks my world. I have a day where everything starts to confuse me, and it all starts out by the smallest sentence. The smallest misunderstanding of words. So I do what I do best. I think. I think so much that I over analyze the situation and turn it into something its not. That's one of my biggest problems. I have to view the situation from every possible angel, thinking of every possible explanation. But it only serves to bury me deeper into my own depression. So I write. In a journal I have, kept in 'secret' location. It holds my inner most thoughts, my whole life documented in ink and paper. I write, and I pray - and that sounds stupid because what kind of teenager actually believes in God and Jesus? What actual teenager tries to please the Lord, and prays for the safety, happiness, and well being of their family and friends? Most are trying to discover themselves, and she prays. The scariest part would have to be the fact that I know he listens. The fact that the next morning, I don't feel any anger, and bitterness or sadness. In fact, I'm ecstatic. I'm happy and pleased with the world and myself...I guess there really is a rainbow after the storm.

What an uncharacteristic change of events.

Hands up!
Fists high.

I feel a strange peace washing over me. Regardless of the constant plunges life throws. Lets sit back, in the beach chair - Let’s watch the sun set.

With the breeze I’ll send away my worries.
The spring is here, but it won’t last forever. Winter will come again, freezing all. Taking away the precious things.
I know, no one will be there to hold my hand forever - But can't I hold yours?

Forever, or for never...
Always two steps behind.

Let the lighting bolt crash, as feathers fall from the sky.
You’ve done it now - Say Hello to Nightmare.
Catch yourself falling down...Catch yourself a falling angel.

Pretty Pixies dance,
moon lights the field.
Keep fishing for that dream.
Hurry, time is ticking.
Lets go - blind and stupid.
Full moon apocalypse
Feathers hit the floor.

Everything can be used for song and dance.
Everything can be used for show.
Sometimes it’s best if you just leave.
Let the girl go.
It’s the mad hatter syndrome - ripping apart at the seems.

Spiraling downward
Catch your angel
Your fallen angel.
They don’t bleed.
Heal the wounds...-

-...because everyone knows Angels don’t fall in love with demons.

I blogged it, I wrote it.
© mdz

Happy First Day of Fall.

When I first decided to publish this blog, I thought it would be best to write it anonymously. Now I feel that I should express myself, and let everyone know exactly what I'm thinking/feeling and why that is.

Beginning

Today was another day - not one of the best days.

(Haven't really been feeling healthy- physically and mentally.)

I don't want to talk. It just makes me feel sad.

I'm drained and exhausted.

I was irritable today, and that just made me feel guilty.

Middle

Sometimes I just feel like sleeping for a month.

Hibernating in my room. Maybe with a book and some green tea.

I want to sit on the porch and watch a thunder storm.

I want to sort out my emotions.

End

Don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed or anything of the sort.

Just very subdued.

My irritation has turned into a strange calm, yet my fingers twitch with excitement.

It's days like these...

I just have another couple thoughts that I'd like to jot down for anyone who reads this.

But someone brought up a very interesting point when i was looking at photo's.

The difference between both pictures was immense, but they were photographed the exact same way.

So I merely stated a fact;
"The girl changed."

and the comment that was brought to my attention was, eye opening. Yet some what cryptic.

"Well, Which one would you rather see?"

And I truly don't know how to answer that. People are always looking to judge and never to accept. They live to speculate and contradict.

Now however I'm starting to wonder;

Does it matter if she disappeared completely? Would anyone miss her?

Is she already gone?

Life is a Giant Scrapbook.

In a perfect happy fairy tale world, every one's dreams would come true, because that's they way dreams and magic work. They take your favourite memories, take all your hopes, and combine them into one small package that you would absolutely love to open and keep forever. So what happens when you've decided that you don't like that memory anymore? Or that you want to change your dream, or that all of your hopes have all failed? Easy, we simply push that package to the back of our mind. Letting it collect dust on the top shelf, away from sight. Keeping it blocked out, because we don't want to relive it. We don't want it to happen anymore, we've moved on. But sometimes, you'll find yourself looking back to that bookshelf, and notice those boxes piled up way at the top shelf. One day you'll have enough courage to venture up the ladder, and open the boxes. Revealing all the great hopes, dreams, and fairy tales you could have had, but decided against. You'll look at the old, and the new, all the truths and lies, the mistakes, and all memories. You'll relive each one, and ultimately banish the bad from the good. Create one giant box, and put in everything you want. All the happy memories, good choices, smiles, laughter, love, everything your heart desires, and you will be happy. But keep in mind, sadness is always leering around the corner, and its easier than you think to switch roles with your "happily ever after."