Will you hold my hand when I go? [She doesn't mean to be cryptic]

Death is a horrible thing to deal with for anyone - regardless of age, cause, or relationship. It hurts everyone. The domino effect. It just causes excessive pain and loneliness. Ironically, I don't fear my own death. Not that I'm looking forward to it, I've just learned how to stand my ground and face it.

I don't fear the coming of my own demise, but if someone I held close to my heart passed away, my world would be broken. Shattered in two.

Sometimes, I'll think about loosing someone important to me, in order to get myself ready. Just in case the time does come when I need to 'let go.' Ninety percent of the times I end up in tears, and that task is not easily accomplished.

Think of how my world would turn upside down, and inside out if I heard someone close to me almost died. Think of how my life would quickly spiral downward if I were to realize not one, but two of my loved ones could (in theory) die. Now think how I would react if both deaths were both caused by the same poison.

Can't hear my heart stop, can't count the lack of breaths.

I am a strong person.

I do not fear the cold hands of death.

I do not lean on other people for support.

I stand upon my own ground.

I am a fragile being.

I am a person who fears loss and loneliness.

I crumble when my loved ones leave.
I fall to my knee's and weep.

I am an intelligent human.

I follow through with my plans.

I generate hope and prosperity for others.

I'll learn to stand again...-

-...but not by myself.

Behind closed doors

Have you ever been scared of changing yourself?

Scared people wouldn't like you anymore if you did?

Feeling hopeless?

Anticipating negative reactions?

Sometimes, when I put my guard down, those fears take over.

The Shape of Your Cloud

Has anyone else taken a ride upon the well know 'emotional roller coaster'? I'm sure everyone has been on it at least once - most people usually decide to take a spin once a week. I guess I got on board yesterday. Describing my life as "an accident waiting to happen." Quoting the works of Mitch Albon, and promising myself I wouldn't become the ghost, at least, not intentionally. I believe its called 'having a bad day' but I question those ethics. I mean, you could be having a fantastic day, and one little tidbit of information can send your mood spiralling downward. Then of course you start thinking of scenario's that will most likely never happen, but if they do, you're prepared. You'll know what to do because you've already planned what route of action you're going to take. Now here's where my life becomes complicated. I have a day which breaks my world. I have a day where everything starts to confuse me, and it all starts out by the smallest sentence. The smallest misunderstanding of words. So I do what I do best. I think. I think so much that I over analyze the situation and turn it into something its not. That's one of my biggest problems. I have to view the situation from every possible angel, thinking of every possible explanation. But it only serves to bury me deeper into my own depression. So I write. In a journal I have, kept in 'secret' location. It holds my inner most thoughts, my whole life documented in ink and paper. I write, and I pray - and that sounds stupid because what kind of teenager actually believes in God and Jesus? What actual teenager tries to please the Lord, and prays for the safety, happiness, and well being of their family and friends? Most are trying to discover themselves, and she prays. The scariest part would have to be the fact that I know he listens. The fact that the next morning, I don't feel any anger, and bitterness or sadness. In fact, I'm ecstatic. I'm happy and pleased with the world and myself...I guess there really is a rainbow after the storm.

What an uncharacteristic change of events.

Hands up!
Fists high.

I feel a strange peace washing over me. Regardless of the constant plunges life throws. Lets sit back, in the beach chair - Let’s watch the sun set.

With the breeze I’ll send away my worries.
The spring is here, but it won’t last forever. Winter will come again, freezing all. Taking away the precious things.
I know, no one will be there to hold my hand forever - But can't I hold yours?

Forever, or for never...
Always two steps behind.

Let the lighting bolt crash, as feathers fall from the sky.
You’ve done it now - Say Hello to Nightmare.
Catch yourself falling down...Catch yourself a falling angel.

Pretty Pixies dance,
moon lights the field.
Keep fishing for that dream.
Hurry, time is ticking.
Lets go - blind and stupid.
Full moon apocalypse
Feathers hit the floor.

Everything can be used for song and dance.
Everything can be used for show.
Sometimes it’s best if you just leave.
Let the girl go.
It’s the mad hatter syndrome - ripping apart at the seems.

Spiraling downward
Catch your angel
Your fallen angel.
They don’t bleed.
Heal the wounds...-

-...because everyone knows Angels don’t fall in love with demons.

I blogged it, I wrote it.
© mdz

Happy First Day of Fall.

When I first decided to publish this blog, I thought it would be best to write it anonymously. Now I feel that I should express myself, and let everyone know exactly what I'm thinking/feeling and why that is.

Beginning

Today was another day - not one of the best days.

(Haven't really been feeling healthy- physically and mentally.)

I don't want to talk. It just makes me feel sad.

I'm drained and exhausted.

I was irritable today, and that just made me feel guilty.

Middle

Sometimes I just feel like sleeping for a month.

Hibernating in my room. Maybe with a book and some green tea.

I want to sit on the porch and watch a thunder storm.

I want to sort out my emotions.

End

Don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed or anything of the sort.

Just very subdued.

My irritation has turned into a strange calm, yet my fingers twitch with excitement.

It's days like these...

I just have another couple thoughts that I'd like to jot down for anyone who reads this.

But someone brought up a very interesting point when i was looking at photo's.

The difference between both pictures was immense, but they were photographed the exact same way.

So I merely stated a fact;
"The girl changed."

and the comment that was brought to my attention was, eye opening. Yet some what cryptic.

"Well, Which one would you rather see?"

And I truly don't know how to answer that. People are always looking to judge and never to accept. They live to speculate and contradict.

Now however I'm starting to wonder;

Does it matter if she disappeared completely? Would anyone miss her?

Is she already gone?

Life is a Giant Scrapbook.

In a perfect happy fairy tale world, every one's dreams would come true, because that's they way dreams and magic work. They take your favourite memories, take all your hopes, and combine them into one small package that you would absolutely love to open and keep forever. So what happens when you've decided that you don't like that memory anymore? Or that you want to change your dream, or that all of your hopes have all failed? Easy, we simply push that package to the back of our mind. Letting it collect dust on the top shelf, away from sight. Keeping it blocked out, because we don't want to relive it. We don't want it to happen anymore, we've moved on. But sometimes, you'll find yourself looking back to that bookshelf, and notice those boxes piled up way at the top shelf. One day you'll have enough courage to venture up the ladder, and open the boxes. Revealing all the great hopes, dreams, and fairy tales you could have had, but decided against. You'll look at the old, and the new, all the truths and lies, the mistakes, and all memories. You'll relive each one, and ultimately banish the bad from the good. Create one giant box, and put in everything you want. All the happy memories, good choices, smiles, laughter, love, everything your heart desires, and you will be happy. But keep in mind, sadness is always leering around the corner, and its easier than you think to switch roles with your "happily ever after."